i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
