ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
