Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
