Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
