My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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