I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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