Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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