He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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