Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
