I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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