wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
