grandma shit on top of the toilet
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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