oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
