I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
