Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
