Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I want her autograph on my taint
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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