I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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