I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
