I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
