Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Randomize
