I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
