I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
