my phone needs a breathalizer
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
