I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
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