I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
