The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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