just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
