I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
