I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
