Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
