so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
