there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
