I cannot find my penis.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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