I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I cut my penus on the lid.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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