My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
