i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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