i would punch a child for taco bell
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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