I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
