she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
