HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
