I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize