the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
nutella sex= disaster
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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