just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
