rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
