just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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