The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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