Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
