cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Randomize
