No awkward lesbian experiences without me
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
