i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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