cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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