Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
