i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
