Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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